RE: An Email I Got

This is :

yeh i dont know you but i was looking at your pics and i think your verry white friend needs some david wrench in his life http://www.davidwrench.com/ his music makes me wanna cry its just sooooooo super horney like test match crickett, check him out if you want might make you smile makes me smile anyway :D x


I will now critique this modern piece.

1. Look, i dont want to be an Internet grammar nazi. Actually thats a lie, I'd love to be a nazi. Thats a lie. A lieframework. Ill start again.

1.There's loads of spelling mishtakes! Har Har, they carnnt spill gud!

2. Why do you assume i'm just a "verry white friend"? I write here too, you jockey. And also, im not an albino. Albinos have verry white skin and my skin is all pink and blotchy like the before in a clearasil advert. So chew on that. Plus they have pink eyes, but im not sure if that only applies to albino rabbits.

3. I hate David Wrench. I want him to die in a cage of my own making. And not a metaphorical cage either, a really tiny, really smelly, really real cage. Not sure what i would want to make him die of yet. Maybe AIDS.

4. Who is david wrench? Ill have a look at the site.

<--- this is to represent the passage of time, like a montage.

Fuck me, this guy is a dick. Ill post his picture in the pictures bit.

"We hope you like the sleeve, very nicely embossed, and minimal." Fuck your minimal sleeve Wrench.

5. What, you think all albinos (like what i'm not) get along? They are filled with perpetual rage. And if you put two albinos in a cage, and they are both male, they will fight for alpha male status.

6. The music is "just sooooooo super horney like test match crickett". Fair enough, cos test match cricketttttttt frequently makes me want to spaff one out.

7. "his music makes me wanna cry". Do you cry when you're super horney? I do. Especially after the 4th one of a night in by yourself, and the wangst truly sets in.

8. I wish my mouth was a D. i could eat watermelon slices whole.

Bye. From the verrrry white one.

Spazmojellical

I stole this off somebody, and im going to fill it out myself, pretending that William Shatner sent it to me. Take that (and party) Internet!

"Fill this out about me!!!

What would you do if...


I said I loved you: Be pleasantly surprised.

I kissed you: Call the News Of The World, The Bank and The Police, in that order.

I lived next door to you: Hang around our mutual fence whilst you are having a barbecue and try to get your friends to come over to my house where i will have slightly bigger barbecue.

I started smoking: Tut loudly and make hypocritical comments about lung cancer.

I stole something: Try and bribe you into splitting the takings 70/30 with me.

I was hospitalized: Bring you vodka hidden inside some grapes.

I ran away from home: Unsuccessfully try and sell you into child slavery.


I got into a fight: Get Leonard Nimoy to come round with some baseball bats and hunt the cunts down.

What do you think about my...

Personality: Cheeky, but also quite scary.

Eyes: Bulbous.

Hair: Non-existant.

Clothes: They make me angry.

Who are you? Jackson

Are we friends? More than that, Bill

When and how did we meet? On a version of the internet that only exists in my head.

have I affected you and if so how? You havent affected me one iota, Billy so you can just shove your "how" up your flange.

What do you think of me? I try not to conciously think of you, as my therapist says it brings on one of my moods. I didnt know socks could be therapists though.

What's the best memory you have of me? The pool in Santa Lucha

How long do you think we will be friends or enemies? Until one/both of us is/are dead

Do you love me? How could i not?

Have I ever hurt you? You do play a little rough sometimes. I thought the rug burns were bad but you pushed it too far with the barbed wire Fleshtoy.

Would you hug me? Never.

Would you kiss me? Ever.

Would you have sex with me? Yes, to try and get famous by proxy.

Are we close? No, miles apart.

Emotionally, what stands out? Emotionally, my penis.

Have you ever hurt me? Your minders always intervene when i try.

Give me a nickname and explain
why you picked it. Hercules Manmilk. After my favourite composer.

Am I loveable? You already asked me if i loved you, you insecure prick. I lied then.

How long have you known me? I dont really. But i dont think 'they' know that.

Describe me in one word. Enormous.

What was your first impression of me? That one where i went "I. Am. William........Shatner. Look. At. Me. It was brilliant and everybody loved me for it.

Do you still think that way about me now? Sometimes on cold nights.

What do you think my weakness is? Your false kneecap.

Have you ever been mad at me? Yuss.

What about me makes you happy? Your warm belly.

What about me makes you sad? Your cold anus.

What reminds you of me? My cold anus.

What's something you would change about me? I would remove your anus.

How well do you know me? I dont, Bill. I can call you Bill cant I Bill? Bill? Bill! Bill! Listen to me, Bill!

Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? Yeah all the time. I think you changed your phone number.

What song reminds you of me? Anal Cunt - "I Became A Therapist So I Could Tell Rape Victims They Asked For It"

Would you ever consider me a gf? No, you silly goose.

Have you ever had a dream about me If so what was it about?
I do not dream. Not since that night. In Reno.

The 20 Worst - Game Covers: Part One

I work at GAME. Im sure plenty of the reading audience know this. It is fucking boring. Like, really boring. Like, eating a plain digestive on a plane flying over Ja-plain. So, I decided to come up with a list of the twenty worst game cover art in the store. Here they are:

20. Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles (SquareEnix, GC)

Man, I hate Final Fantasy. To me, choosing how to fight from a separate menu, then waiting for whatever stupid looking beastie or god or whatever to hit you right back, just to further the nonsensical, insulting and sub-Terry Pratchett-themed narrative filled with too cute or too cliched characters dressed in ridiculous costumes is, frankly, balls. I mean, just look at these dicks on the cover. A disproportioned elf chick brushing her hair for some reason, Mr. young, innocent adventurer dressed in breeches, some sort of skinny robot knight doing a Madonna impression and what-the-fuck-is-that-a-humanoid-turnip?!
Seriously, I've seen better characters on Turkish cereal boxes.

This cover gets 6 out of 10
Because I think the logo is actually kinda cool.


19. Deus Ex: Invisible War (Eidos, XB)

In The future, all men will look like they should be on MTV and will play host to their own cyber-punk light shows. I always have a problem with game heroes like this guy; he is the completely typical guy-with-gun that you see in every mediocre shooter. Thing is, I always thought the Deus Ex series was about the RPG elements more than the FPS ones, so why is this guy pointing a gun at me from the cover art?

Even he looks bored with the whole thing, as if he personally has had to pose awkwardly as a bad-ass to every fourteen-year-old Halo fan.

This cover gets 6 out of 10
Because look at that gun man! That is a totally sweet gun.


18. Crash TwinSanity (Naughty Dog, PS2)

On first glance, it seems like Crash and his one-time nemesis Dr. Cortex are up to their same old japes and shennanigans, this time in front of a vibrant, exciting green background.

Then you look closer.

And you realise that Crash appears to be forcing a dildo up Cortex's unwilling arse. Look at the anguish in his face! And the sadistic look of joy Crash has on! Well, it looks that way to me anyway.

This cover gets 5 out of 10
Because aggravated buggery is funny. Heh, buggery.



17. Dead Or Alive: Ultimate (Tecmo, Xbox)

I have no idea what this cover is supposed to be. Theres spikey things, a steely grey logo, light and dark, shadowy faces..

There are so many unanswered questions on this box. Like, why is the ninja dude there? Is he watching over his sexy young harem like some sort of mystical 'ho shepherd? Is that a crystal behind the logo? I only just noticed that theres a freaking huge target on there. Fact is, if you have lots of ideas you want to put on the box, if you feel that there is no single thing that sums up your tits and fighting game, then you probably shouldn't just throw all your ideas at the box and hope it sticks.

This cover gets 5 out of 10
Because theres too much going on. But at least that chick in the lower-left is hot. I think. Cant really make her out.

16. Prince Of Persia: Warrior Within (Ubisoft, PS2)

"Ooh, look at me. Im so much harder than I was in the previous game, where I had an English accent for some reason. Now check me out. Ive got this longish nu-metal hair that will really get the kids diggin' me, plus I've got these huge goddamn sword things with me, man. Also, check out how dark and brooding I am now. I am so metal, I could probably down a whole bottle out Jagermeister in one go! I'm going to look so cool at the Godsmack show!"


You fucking prick.


This cover gets 4 out of 10
Because the prince of Persia is probably Persian and not from California.

15. Half Life 2 (Valve, PC)

A controversial decision, eh? But thats entirely the point - if you're going to try and market the sequel to what many regard as the best game ever made, then why put a simple picture of the game's hero on the cover? Especially since the first Half Life had that wicked-cool luminous orange cover, with just that phsyics logo sprayed on to a wall. And even more especially, since not once in the entire game do you see Gordon Freeman. Its a First Person game, for chrissakes, why do we need to know that we are playing as a nerdy scientist guy? I mean, you could still have that background, but just let the player imagine what Gordon looks like in their mind (he would probably still have glasses). Either way, he looks really creepy on that cover. Like he is watching you silently through a window, and you just caught him looking at you, and he's just like "so what".

This cover gets 4 out of 10
Because Gordon looks like a rapist.

14. Rainbow Six 3 (Ubisoft, PS2)

Oh God, now some other guy is pointing a gun at us from the cover of a box. He's even got backup this time, although his mate with the special needs headgear doesnt seem to be paying attention, really. Whats up with the other guys, are they abseiling directly from Heaven 'cos thats just how damn badass they are?

Oh wait a minute guys, dont worry. Its just a bunch of male strippers in the 'serious' bit at the start of their show. You can tell that the guy on the right is the leader. He is all serious and shit, and the guy next to him is his best friend who sees it all as a joke. The others are two guys they just work with, but they are sooo unprofessional. That one dude on the rope isnt even looking the right way.

This cover gets 4 out of 10
Because oh I dont know, because its rubbish?

13. Digimon World 4 (Bandai, PS2)

These things just look like lego from another dimension. Plus their weapons are clearly rubbish and made of plastic. Ah, who am I trying to kid. I love these little guys, and it annoys me that I do. I mean, I dont give a crap about Pokemon, because I dont like how they are designed. But these dudes are ace! Imagine owning your own tiny yellow dinosaur witha sword! That would be amazing!

This cover gets 4 out of 10
Because I dont trust little dragons with hypnotic cuteness.






12. Ground Control (Sierra/Massive, PC)

Well, look at that picture and tell me that is not the campest soldier you have ever seen. Its like they just brought in some model-slash-actor guy to play the role of Main Soldier, and he totally camped the whole thing up.

Look at him, a bloody war is going on the background, with flying tanks and everything, and he looks like he's about to bust out a musical number.
"We want yoo-oo
In the ar-har-meeee..
to fi-ee-ight
for yooo-oo aa-aand mee-eeeeeee..."

This Cover gets 3 out of 10
Because its super-duper gay

11. Tron 2.0 Killer App (Buena Vista, XB)

Another day, another big gun pointed at you. Only this time its a crazy-ass cyber rifle being wielded by the green guy. Hold on, wasnt there only the blue guy and the red guy in the film? And where are those crazy bridge robots or whatever? And actually, when did Tron get so cool?
I guess the main problem with this, aside from it being another Guy-With-Gun (GWG) cover, is where that guy's other arm is. Is he holding that gun one handed? If so, what a badass.

This cover gets 3 out of 10
Because its one of the few interesting GWG covers. Plus I like Tron.




OK, thats enough for now. Feel free to comment. Top 10 coming soon.

Convergenetics

Its difficult to comprehend the many different types of entertainment that are open to us these days. the older forms, like songs, books and poems are joined by late 20th century forms, like video games, websites and TV. On very rare occasions, I can get entertainment value from Teletext. So, with all these varied types of technology, all geared towards human beings relaxing, enjoying themselves, how come there isn't yet an ULTIMATE entertainment form? We are going to look at why people experience these little chunks of entertainment through different forms. Arent you lucky?


Film
Film has been one of the foremost ways that we entertain ourselves, ever since a speeding train scared film virgins at the start of the 20th Century. In films we see spectacle, adventure, character and almost everything in between, but at its most basic, films are just stories. If the films story is not up to scratch, it doesnt matter how many top actors, directors or best boys there are, it will fail (what are best-boys, anyway? And key grips.) Although there are arguments over whether film is passive or active in the way audiences interact with it, for the purposes of this piece, its will be passive. After all, we sit in a cinema and say or do nothing (save for eating) while we experience the film, so in a physical sense at least, film-viewing is passive. So what is the foremost asset of film as entertainment? Lets go with STORY, by which I mean significant attachment to characters and settings, and how they go through a familiar equlibrium-disruption-resolution plot.

DVD
I guess this is incredibly similar to film, seeing as its (generally) fictional stories presented through moving pictures. However they differ because of extras; the deleted scenes, the documentaries, the gag reels and the behind-the-scenes stuff. These are the reason most people buy DVDs; its like getting an extra little bit of info that you can use to show off your knowledge to peers. Additonally, it lets you get closer to the entertainment, hopefully enlightening us as to why, when and how the piece got made. Therefore, DVD's give us EXTRAS.

Books
These have the unique position of only being open to one person at a time. Sure, two people can discuss books that they have both read, or people can read out passages to someone else, but they can only be experienced on a very personal level. Whatever happens in a particular story can only be experienced by the reader alone, and lasts only as long as that reader's level of intelligence, reading skill or interest. For this reason, books can raise private emotions in the reader - they are personalised by the reader themselves. Characters look as they look in our minds, environments are felt through our own imagination and we become attached to the story as an active observer - we generally cannot change the outcome of the plot, but we shape the apperance of everything else in the story. For the purposes of this essay, books give us PERSONALISATION.

Games
Games, i would argue, are the only form of active entertainment. Regardless of how emotional interaction can occur in any media, or how holding a book is 'technically' interacting with it, games are the only media that requires a player to interact with characters and setting on screen through a controller (the 'tool' that is required in most cases). This is true in every game, from Space Invaders to Halo - only advancements in processing power, graphics and coding have improved the form. In fact, stories and games dont mix a lot of the time - the entertainment value comes from the playing experience itself. For example, were you more connected with the game when you reached the scripted ending of Resident Evil 4, or when a perfectly aimed green shell took out Bowser, giving you the victory in Mario Kart? In this way, a players own actions shape the entertainment value to be gleaned from the media. Therefore, this true INTERACTIVITY is what we will take from games.

Art
Art is the possibly the oldest form of entertainment, and as such, is one of the most highbrow and studied forms of entertainment. Ultimately, the point of art (and in general, I'm talking about painted images, rather than Tracy Emin-type forgettable 'art') is to convey some sort of emotion to the viewer through one single image. It follows that this image must be intricately planned, developed, redrawn, refined and perfected before it is 'ready' for public consumption. In addition to this, how long does a person study a painting for in a gallery? Ten minutes? An hour? They are not engaged with the artwork for a long time, at least. Therefore, a painting needs to connect instantly and successfully with the viewer. For this reason, art gives us IMPACT.

Comics
Many people view comics as just a melding of artwork and stories, and generally more towards the artwork. Although this is true of many old comics, more recent ones take this relationship higher, producing stories that are most effectively told with accompanying art, and vice versa. In comics, anything is imaginable, but because of their serial nature, they must be plausible within the same universe. For example, because the X-Men work out of New York, they will encounter Spider-Man and the Fantastic 4 from time to time; they exist within the same meta-narrative. This universe does not have to be believable, but it must maintain its own rules. Therefore, comics produce stories that are not merely helped by artwork, but are inextricably linked to the art. This INTERDEPENDENCE is what we will use from comics.

The Equation
(STORY + IMPACT + INTERDEPENDENCE) x (INTERACTIVITY + PERSONALISATION) / EXTRAS = The Ultimate Media

Is this convergent media form possible? Maybe, in time, but we do not yet know all the attributes of the equation's components. What story would be used? How do you define impact and interactivity? Is interdependence even that important. Either way, I hope the ultimate media comes out in my lifetime, and not too expensive.

Come on, comment.

Angression

Since the game I am trying to make has an approximate 2398 bugs, and still doesnt fucking work, I have decided to finally post something here. Unfortuneately for you, it is a list of things I hate. You probably recognise these things too, and they are twatty. Each and every one of them. For your approval:

The Hyper Cool
God I hate these people. You know the type; the ones that are so painfully hip that they wear it on their sleeve, like a bracelet of dickheadness that you only get if you become a priveleged member of the Spoilt Little Bastard Club. They wear the trendy clothes (which are shit), have the trendiest haircuts (also shit, especially that stupid fucking one like a gay mohican with a mullet at the back. Even girls have these) and worst of all, they love to share their various little projects. I dont give a jet-powered fuck if they are DJing "mostly drum and bass shit, but with a little ragga" - you are the living embodiment of cancer, AIDS, herpes and exploding cock disease, and your music is making me have a bad time. This also applies to video/web/performance pieces as well. Just so you know.

Agressive Drunks
True story= the other day, I was waiting in town for something or other, around 7.30pm. As I lit up a cigarette, some drunken cunt in sweat pants stumbled over and asked for a toke. I said no, so he said "give me that before i rip your fucking..." I didnt hear the rest because I stabbed the cigarette into his hand and hurriedly left. That made me feel like a right pussy; I bet if I had had a confrontation I could have avoided his attacks pretty easily and layed some shit down. Ah well, I guess the point Im trying to make is that if you are a cunt while sober, that cuntdom will be increased by about fifty times when you drink. And I bet you drink Stella, you twat.

The Royal Family
Look, I know this is cliched, and pretty much everyone thinks it is funny how useless they are. The point is though, they act retarded WHILST having shitloads of money. Im not sure how but I bet some of that money is being provided by the public. If not, do you think maybe their cash mountains could be spent on making a better country, instead of using it to wipe the Queen's piles and jizzwads for Prince Harry (who can fuck right off, as far as I am concerned). OK, they bring in tourists...so what. Fuck the tourists, it's my country. You could put a piece of ham on a stick, put it on the throne and the tourists will STILL visit. Oh, and while Im on the subject, can we stop talking about Diana. You dicks didnt like her that much when she was alive, but when she headbutts a windshield, its all bleeding hearts. In any case its been long enough now, let her RIP.

Horses
If you know me, you will already know that I detest these abominations. They have stupid faces, kick a lot, and their brain is about the size of a peanut. A disabled peanut. I'm sure some of this hatred is to do with horse-owners as it is the horses as well. To be honest, I cant really explain why I hate them, I just fucking do. And they shit on the road, which their riders dont have to clean up. How come I cant do that?

Music On The Radio
OK, we all know it sucks at the moment, I think the last time I heard something I liked on the radio was in 1994/5 and it was Under The Bridge. Yeah, it was the All Saints version, and no, I didnt know it was about heroin. Although, to be fair, I think the only reason I dont listen to the radio anymore (apart from it all being steaming lumps of apeshit, with blood in it) is because of the god damn DJs. They are just bad, come on. Really, ridiculously bad, like Hitler riding a horse as he DJs house music at a shit-club. You know what, I think this has worked. I feel better. More when I am more pissed off.

The Toxic Vehemence Of One Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr. Its enough to strike fear, hatred and maybe even a little vomit into anyones black heart. Vader himself would gladly force-choke himself, rather than listen to one tiny second more of Carr's self-indulgent, posh boy humour. Seriously though, I didnt mind the guy when he first appeared on my TV. He did that one show, Distraction, and I though he was at least mildly amusing on that, although the show was much, much more interesting than he was.
Now though, he has gone too far. Far too far. I was watching that 100 greatest Cartoon shows the other night, because I like cartoons and he was presenting that as well! I mean, does the guy personally let the controller of Channel Four use him as a fuck-puppet, shit-rag and syncophant all at once? I can think of no other reason for his complete dominance over my screen. There he is again on that doomed-to-fail, piece of shit excuse for a TV show, The Friday NIght Project. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if he had one shred, one iota, one miniscule jot of comedic talent in his fat little egotistical face. As it stands though, he just churns out incredibly forced, often painful, and always retarded one-liners on any subject from Prince Harry, gay people, and Prince Harry again. There seems to be only one solution to the problem of Carr. If it is to work, it needs everybody's help - the alternative is he will keep growing, like Tetsuo at the end of Akira, until he finally encompasses every thing you ever think of, providing a running fucking commentary on your own personal dreams and fears.
I seem to have gotten sidetracked there. As I was saying, the only way to stop him is simple: just ignore him. Go and see him at a comedy club and persuade everyone in the audience to simply chat amongst themselves when he is performing. Go to a recording of the Friday Night Project and disregard everything he says throughout it. Force celebrities at gunpoint to refuse to contribute to '100 Greatest' shows if he has anything to do with it. If we do this right, and By Christ, we must get it right, the pain that is Jimmy Carr will cease to exist. Do it.

I Refuse To Face This Music

Recently I saw a band at Canterbury College. They were called McQueen (www.mcqueenmusic.com). At the risk of editorialising, they were dire. I was in a bad mood, the drinks were expensive, the beer was shite and I hated the music. Lets just say it riled me. So, like the genius musical fanatic that I am, I dropped in on their online forum to share my ideas on how to not suck.
My post was deleted, so I started another, explaining my constructive criticism in a less rambling and abusive fashion. This was deleted. I breathed out. That was deleted as well.
So my point from this experience is that it doesnt matter if you are the most gifted liniguist in the world, in the online environment an un-elected, power hungry, disease ridden, absolute and utter cock can erase your online existence to protect his loyal subjects, such as General "bitch_ass_rock_chick".
Yeah basically I am comparing a website's forum moderator to the enigmatic leader of National Socialism, but the underlying idea is sound. So what can you do to combat this type of online menace? Assassination, carpet bombing and economic sanctions wont have the desired effect, and I think they may be a little bit harsh, not to mention slightly illegal, so I guess i will just have to be satisfied with sending a bitchy email. I'm asking for your help you faceless, and possibly non-existent, readers. What can we do to combat this online menace, and other virtua-dictatorships? And remember, coughs and sneezes spread diseases. Maybe I could cough on the site...

Who Is Number One?

The Introductory Post is always a difficult one. What should i say, who wants to virtually hear my ramblings? You apparently. You should be ashamed of yourself. So the big question is where to start? I'll tell you where - The Prisoner. This is easily the most insane, disjointed and just plain odd piece of television ive ever seen, but thats not to say its bad in any way. If you havent seen it, which you should, its set in The Village, an idyllic place with its own taxi service, phone system and amusements. It actually looks like a nice seaside town in Wales , but in reality its a prison for ex-secret agents.
The show stars Patrick McGoogan, a man once tipped to play Bond but turned it down. Shame really, he would have been much better than the only other brit for the role: Roger Sodding Moore. He plays the eponymous Prisoner, assigned the number 06 in the first episode, and simultaneously tries to escape the village-prison and provide the influence for this blog. I wont tell you what happens in the series, mainly because i havent got a fucking clue, but just know this...I am not a number.